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I want to go far far away

04 August 2017

My only wish now is I want to go far far away from everything...
Lately, everything seem tough for me. I'm constantly feel struggle with my life issues. I feel tired and helpless. I believe in God and I believe that God will lifted up my burden but I don't know why, I still feel so tired and helpless.I feel I lost my direction, always out of focus, feel overly sensitive of everything and think too much everytime and about anything.I have a supportive siblings,friends and boyfriend but I don't know why I still feel like this?.It's not like what I used to be.I try to remind myself, I am #keriitleto with strong heart and keep say to myself everything will be okay,don't think too much but I can't stop being such a helpless people.Do you ever have this kind of feeling?

Maybe some of you may think, I'm not faithful in God for being like this. To be honest, I'm really trying my best to stay faithful in any situations but I'm just a human that not perfect.I have self doubt, looking down on myself and feel like I'm just nothing at all..sometimes.
There's nothing wrong with people surround me, they all good and amazing! Just me! I feel like I can't keep up with this life. I want to slow down and go far far away from everything but the my life situation will never allow that and I never want to stay behind too and not moving forward. I just need a space and free myself from all these uneccesary burdens. Usually I will go back to my "kampung" to remind myself how far already I go but this time, it's not an option now.I don't want to go to usual place.But, I don't know where can I go to find myself again.
For now, I will just lived the life, the usual life.Try harder to smile and be happy like nothing happened.But, inside my heart, I feel so lonely and empty, feel like nobody can understand me.I don't have any bestfriend that I can share about anything now like I used to. It's hard to tell your own story or struggling because I looked fine but my heart is not fine.Yes, I have my boyfriend that I always called bestfriend, I told him everything but again, I don't feel good or better.Maybe, we both are different kind of personality and character so it's so hard to get along so quickly.But, I do appreciate his effort to make me feel better and always remind me about I need to get up and move forward no matter what.
The only comfortable way to released all this burden in my heart and head is writing on my blog.I can speak my heart here and I want you to know that, it's okay to feel struggle in this life. That's life! Constantly struggle and go through it.
This year, I feel like life is extra harder! When I flashback whatever I have done this year, I feel so bad and wasted.I feel like I'm not the same person anymore.I guess it's because I getting older...but, after all, it's my choice to feel that way. No regrets and no more blaming myself for all of these.
I feel tired of everything...
But, I don't know where to go and what I want!
The problem now is ME! I guess I need to keep quiet and stop caring about everything, it's make me SICK!
I'm tired to go after everything, everything makes me tired! 
What I want to do is do my best in my job because it's can make my dream come true. Less care of what people think of me.
Stop caring too much about people, I don't even know if they care enough about me.
Stop think too much on my own.If it's mean to happen, then just let it be.
Always priority on my dreams ( yes! this against my believe but I feel useless when I make everyone as my priority, no people even care!) I don't say that I want people to care what I do, but I need to know my limit.
Take care of myself because no one ever can take care of myself better than me.
Appreciate people around me
Forgiveness is hard but that's what I should do now.It's hard and hurtful but I can't let this inside my heart.
Heal yourself ( Pray to God to heal even it's the hardest to do this moment)
If you can't do it, just say NO.

I can't believe I will share this kind of post this year. I usually trying my very best to be positive but this time, I can't bear to be that person. It's hard and heavy.
I just want you guys to know that, I'm a normal person that constantly struggle even though I smile a lot to make everything look okay.

Thank you for reading this long post.
If you have this kind of feeling, don't blame yourself. It's okay to feel that way but don't harm yourself,okay?

Love,
Aya


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