Being negative is not bad at all, it's normal...

26 January 2019

This week has been extra tough for me.
I continue to have a war with myself.
I'm trying to not to hate myself but I hate myself more. Maybe you will surprise I'm writing this kind of article on my blog. It's usually about a positive and encouraging post. But, I am human after all. I can't be positive all the time. There's a time I am so negative and trying my very best to be positive because I know the effect of that negativeness in my life. Please allow me to rumble and mumbling on my blog today.

Best Monday ever
Monday is a public holiday so there's no work and yeah! I love it so much! Super love it!

Tuesday Twister
Tuesday, it's a crazy day that makes my life this week crazier and upside down. I love when people criticized me in whatever way and I tried my best to learn. But, my heart and my mind are not taking it easy. My heart is exploded and feel so broken. I feel like my value is none. I start to question my past decisions. And, it makes me hate myself. I hate the old me that I thought was smart but such a dumb girl in the world. Because of my previous decisions, I faced the consequences now. It's hurt me so much. I cried the whole night on my own. I tell my best friend how hurt I am with this. It's so hurt I can't sleep well. I blame myself so much.

Wet Wednesday
Wednesday, I tried my best to go to work even I feel like I no longer wanted to be there but I need to because it's my responsibility and where I earned my living. I keep quiet the whole day because I feel sick of myself and I am not feeling so well. I just can't wait to go back home and rest or shut down! While I'm driving back home, I made a crazy wish, I wish I was hit by a car and just die! But, I still remember who is God and God loves me so I am safe! Being on my own when I'm like this is something that makes me feel like I want to give up! I told my fiancĂ© and he really tries to help me to remember what's God plan for me but I just can't help myself being so negative. Besides that, I can't really tell him everything especially about my work, I don't him to feel sad or worry about me because it seems I am having my personal problem and it can be solved on my own.

Trust Thursday
Thursday, I feel like I wanna die!
My head and my body feel heavy and I remember my mum! I miss my mum! It's so crazy to feel so sick because of my mind. But, I turned to God and tell Him, I need Him and I miss Him so much. I don't know what will happen if there's no God in my life. I believe in Jesus Christ and I believe He always is there with me.

Friday yay!
On Friday which is today. I tried my harder to go further.
I tried my best not to quit but I want to improve myself while pray to God to open new doors for me. I am not wise when to make a decision, so I depend on God to give me permissions to close and open new doors. I don't what His plan in my life this moment but I believe in Him and I know, he prepared a great day ahead.
For now, let's hang in there!
Be happy and let's feel alive again, for REAL!

Let me know if you ever feel bad when being negative?


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